Updated 1/17/2025
The other day, the local news aired a story about a crippled yellow lab puppy, rescued after being given up because of his paralyzed back legs[1.1]. The pup, named Dublin, was adopted and is now training to be a therapy dog because of how people gravitate toward his cheerful demeanor, despite his being strapped to a rolling hammock-like wheelchair. Though Dublin is quite a sad, pity inducing sight (photo below), his cheeriness brings people smiles. Who would want to kick this pup off the street or keep him from begging for money?
But that’s exactly what I wondered because of an article I recently read about laws that banned ugliness in America. If Dublin was begging for money a hundred years ago on the streets of average city America, would he and his owner be scowled upon and arrested for violating one of the “ugly laws” instated by many cities from the late 19th Century all the way to the early 1970’s[1.2]. These ugly laws were made to eliminate chronic begging on city streets, especially by visibly disabled people who were flagged for presumably causing emotional distress on the public, not because they were aggressive or intimidating beggars, but because of their deformities.
One of the first ugly laws from San Francisco, explicitly listed anyone “diseased, maimed, mutilated, or in any way deformed, so as to be unsightly or disgusting… or improper” must not be exposed to public view on public streets and property, and so I couldn’t help but wonder if Dublin and his owner would have been forced off the street and covered up to be locked up in an “almshouse” (an institution for the poor).
Unthinkable? An officer who enforced one of these laws kicked the good leg of a Black amputee from under him. And what kind of mentality do the governing officials have when they put such superficial laws into effect?
People have ugliness within them that is far worse than that of any physical deficiencies. Much of that ugliness has been categorized by psychologists and much attention has been put into determining what personality traits are the most unattractive and detrimental to long-term relationships. Lists of the top worst traits tend to agree, even when they’re split by gender[1.3, 1.4, 1.5, 1.6].
In two surveys that sampled about 3000 people to rank the worst traits in men and women[1.3, 1.4], I saw men and women directly shared 13 of the top 20 worst personality traits (red in the lists below), while both men and women shared all top 20 if I considered how personality traits overlap and are closely related to each other, such as being whiny or complaining too much is related to being self-centered, selfish, and inconsiderate, and being vengeful is related to being mean, short-tempered, and nonempathic.
| Worst Personality Traits |
| Women | Men |
- Manipulative
- Self-Centered
- Selfish
- Dishonest
- Inconsiderate
- Mean
- Hypocritical
- Entitled
- Rude
- Whiny/Complaining
- Disloyal/Unfaithful
- Superficial
- Arrogant
- Vengeful
- Unreliable
- Gold Digger
- Close-minded
- Bossy
- Short-tempered
- Annoying
|
- Dishonest
- Self-Centered
- Cheater
- Selfish
- Inconsiderate
- Unreliable
- Rude
- Mean
- Arrogant
- Hypocritical
- Short-tempered
- Nonempathic
- Close-Minded
- Manipulative
- Entitled
- Condescending
- Ignorant
- Inconsistent
- Racist
- The Jerk
|
The top worst traits overlap with what people consider to be very low quality material for romantic relationships, and people are often told to avoid anyone with a few or more of these bad traits, though, I would have to say, only having one bad trait in excess is very detrimental to both yourself and your relationships. A list of the top eight worst habits for men as ranked by psychologists were as follows[1.6] (I added related personality traits from above):
Top Worst Habits for Men (Note, most of these traits are common in women, too) - Avoidance of responsibility (Nonaccountability) – related to Manipulative, Dishonest, Disloyal, Self-Centered, Selfish, Inconsiderate, Mean, Rude, Arrogant, Hypocritical, Nonempathic, Superficial, Closed-Minded, Entitled, Condescending, Ignorant, Bossy, Racist, The Jerk, Annoying
- Lack of ambition – related to Dishonest, Self-Centered, Selfish, Inconsiderate, Unreliable, Rude, Entitled, Whiny, Nonempathic, Condescending, Gold Digger, Ignorant, Inconsistent, Closed-Minded, The Jerk, Annoying
- Disrespect towards others – related to Self-Centered, Selfish, Dishonest, Disloyal, Cheater, Inconsiderate, Rude, Mean, Arrogant, Superficial, Short-Tempered, Vengeful, Entitled, Condescending, Bossy, Ignorant, Racist, The Jerk, Annoying
- Poor listening skills – related to Dishonest, Disloyal, Cheater, Self-Centered, Selfish, Inconsiderate, Unreliable, Mean, Rude, Arrogant, Condescending, Hypocritical, Entitled, Short-Tempered, Whiny, Nonempathic, Superficial, Close-Minded, Ignorant, Bossy, Racist, The Jerk, Annoying
- Inability to express emotions (unwillingness rather than truly unable) – related to Manipulative, Dishonest, Disloyal, Cheater, Mean, Rude, Arrogant, Condescending, Close-Minded, Racist, The Jerk, Annoying
- Constant negativity – related to Manipulative, Self-Centered, Selfish, Gold Digger, Inconsiderate, Rude, Mean, Entitled, Arrogant, Condescending, Hypocritical, Whiny, Short-Tempered, Superficial, Close-Minded, Vengeful, Ignorant, Bossy, Racist, The Jerk, Annoying
- Lack of self-improvement – related to Manipulative, Dishonest, Disloyal, Cheater, Self-Centered, Selfish, Inconsiderate, Unreliable, Mean, Rude, Hypocritical, Entitled, Arrogant, Condescending, Whiny, Nonempathic, Close-Minded, Superficial, Ignorant, Bossy, Racist, The Jerk, Annoying
- Dishonesty – related to Manipulative, Self-Centered, Selfish, Disloyal, Cheater, Inconsiderate, Mean, Hypocritical, Rude, Arrogant, Condescending, Entitled, Bossy, Nonempathic, Superficial, Close-Minded, Unreliable, Gold Digger, The Jerk, Annoying
Unfortunately, most people have many of these habits and personality traits to some degree and some have them much worse than others. Having just one bad trait in excess can have you labeled as “low quality” or a “hard sell” for relationships of all kinds, not just romantic. However, most of the bad traits listed here are not always an ingrained personality fault, but come from other issues, such as depression and mental health problems. For example, depression and low self-esteem can often cause nearly ALL of the problem traits listed here.
So if you encounter people with too much of any of these traits, look further and try to understand why they are behaving that way. If their mental state or personal situation can be improved to remedy their bad habits, then help them out or ask them to seek help. Find out more about why they think and feel as they do and talk kindly and patiently to them about it. If their attitudes are hardened and they argue, then its best to leave them to better trained counsel. Their habits may stem from very ingrained personality traits, which are not easily fixed, so it’s better to keep these people out of your life or at least limit exposure to them unless they are willing to work hard to change themselves. It’s hard, but not impossible.
Those who respond to constructive criticism with anger are overdefensive and often think there is nothing wrong with themselves at all. It’s best to leave them alone after a few nice reminders unless they have a change of heart. And those who give dismissive, “I can’t change,” or “I’m just like that” attitudes are not willing to put in the effort to change. They’ve given up or don’t want to change. All these attitudes are self-defeating. Of course, if you think no change is needed, or don’t care, or don’t think you can change, then you won’t. Definitely pray and ask for God’s help in these matters whatever the case may be, because God’s help is always better than what we can do ourselves. He can move and change people and situations in ways you’d never expect (see Testimonies for good examples).
So if someone or you, yourself, want to change for the better, but feel defeated, then I must tell you to pick yourself up and fight for it, even if you’ve asked God for help, because there are many powerful forces trying to derail us from changing things for the better. You have to fight for your life and the lives of those you love. It is that serious, because all the problem traits and habits listed here are related to sins that multiply upon each other and can bring worse and worse consequences for you and your loved ones (see why I said you’re loved ones will suffer too in Why bad things happen - The biggest reason the world lives in so many troubles).
You need to place great value on changing long-time habits and bad personality traits if you want success. If something is worth little to you, then you’ll give up on it. Forcing mental focus can help, but sheer willpower is often temporary and can be seriously hindered by many factors (see Biggest Reason Willpower Fails Isn't What Psychologists Think for more). But understanding how having too much of these bad traits can seriously hurt you and your relationships should give more weight for you to seriously get rid of them. Because they all have to do with sins, the consequences for living in them are more than just ruining your chances of having a romantic partner.
Some may not care about that or any close relationships, but even if you prefer to be alone, sin in your life will ALWAYS hurt you. I’ve talked about the unavoidable effects of doing wrong before (see Why bad things happen - The biggest reason the world lives in so many troubles). So if you see in yourself or others have pointed out that you have some problem traits, then set your mind and heart on improving yourself so that you won’t ruin your life and relationships. It isn’t just about being labelled as a bad match or hard sell; totally unworthy of anyone’s commitment; it’s a matter of wellbeing, blessing, and prosperity for you and your loved ones.
Unlike Dublin, the crippled dog, whom most would adore, people do not overlook or accept personal ugliness in other people. These bad traits do completely ruin relationships, whether intimate, family, friendship, or in the workplace. So give much more value to your inner personal virtues, because even if you look perfect and wholly attractive on the outside, you and your loved ones will surely suffer from whatever wrongs you do with those bad traits. And maybe worse, the kind of people who would overlook your bad traits to stay with you, not out of pure love, but because they don’t think they can find someone else, or they cling to a bad relationship for some reason, or they really only want your outward physical attractiveness, are all likely to cheat and/or leave you, because few people will happily put up with someone that is often disagreeable and unpleasant. It’s better to live on the corner of a roof than in a fine house with someone who is argumentative (Proverbs/Mishlei 21:9, 25:24).
To help you and others with reigning in bad traits, I will list my recommendations, assuming there are no underlying physical or mental health issues or personal problems that are causal factors and need to be addressed first, such as chronic depression, anxiety, abuse, autism, ADHD, etc. Please seek professional help for issues not stemming from ingrained personality traits, and feel free to contact me for consultation and help on any of this.
To combat undesirable personality traits, focus on the following with prayer to ask God’s help: Note how the most powerful advice is coupled with magnifying godly virtues, such as fruits of the Holy Spirit - love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Hebrews 12:10-11; Galatians 5:22).
- Slow down, develop patience, temperance, and self-control; Speak with tact and respect; Do not curse, demean, use name calling, or abusive language – Many serious mistakes are made in impatient speaking and rash decisions. Catch your breath and breathe slowly if you need to. Tame your tongue (James 3:1-12). Leave a discussion or argument to give everyone time to compose and gather better thoughts. Of course, tell the other parties the discussion will continue later, if it needs to be.
Some arguments cannot be resolved and should not be brought up again because one or both parties refuse to change their mind. Note, it is ok to be angry or even yell sometimes (some situations and people require forceful rebuke), but do not to let anger get out of control. You should never be seen as the one who lost control. Be angry and yet do not sin (Ephesians 4:26; Psalm 4:4/Tehillim 4:5).
- Uphold honesty, integrity, respect for others, humility, and loyalty – These virtues work against many of the bad personality traits, such as dishonesty, manipulative, excessive pride or arrogance, selfishness, hypocrisy, unfaithfulness, and cheating. Rid yourselves of lying, speak truth each one of you to his neighbor because we are parts of one another; Judge with truth and for peace (Ephesians 4:25; Zechariah/Zecharya 8:16). Love everyone as you’d love yourself (The Second Greatest Commandment; Matthew 19:19, 22:39, 5:43-44; Mark 12:31-33; Luke 10:27; Romans 13:8-10; Galatians 5:13-14; James 2:8; Leviticus 19:18).
- Think about how the other person feels and thinks (empathize); Seek and try to understand the other person’s opinions – No one likes to discuss options or opinions with a close-minded person. The conversation always goes in one direction, which is nowhere but what that person thinks is right or true. Those are tiresome discussions that often end up in arguing with no change of opinions. But when you seek to understand the other person’s feelings and why they think as they do, it helps you give better reasons to sway or comfort them or you may change your mind about your own position.
It’s always better to understand why someone opposes you rather than simply rejecting their opinion, because good communication, and therefore a way to maintain good relationships, is to truly understand who you’re dealing with and what drives them, rather than be a dismissive (stubborn) overlord. And everyone should be willing to accept they can be wrong too, which cannot happen if you do not fully understand and evaluate all the options.
- Recognize your wrongs and seek to make them right; Be accountable and apologize – People who never apologize or hold themselves accountable have a problem with pride, arrogance, and selfishness. But recognizing when you’ve done wrong and saying sorry is a good way to be humble (a virtue) and maintain good relationships and peace.
People often resent those who do wrong but never hold accountability. Unaccountable people are seen as hostile and unapproachable, which of course, hurts and destroys relationships. So, be angry and yet do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your anger (Ephesians 4:26; Psalm 4:4/Tehillim 4:5) - make your apologies and peace in proper time.
I’ve heard some counselors say, “Never say you’re sorry,” for the reason of not appearing weak. That advice is severely short-sighted about how good relationships really work. Never apologizing also goes with being self-centered, inconsiderate, entitled, and nonempathic, as well as the arrogance going with nonaccountability.
- Maintain fair, open, direct communication and punctuality; Do not assume too much; Be open to fair compromise – Lack of good respectful communication and compromise is a big reason for many relationship problems. “Cancel culture” or leaving a job, important relationship, conversation, or commitment by simply cutting off all communication and disappearing has become much more commonplace. It’s not only wrong and breaks the Second Greatest Commandment to love one another, it shows great immaturity and lack of respect and accountability.
This does not only go with long-term relationships, but also with temporary ones, such as when dealing with someone to buy something. It’s far too common that people say they will do something or agree on a meeting time and then never show up or say anything further. This is why I included punctuality. Not keeping your commitments on time or with good communication makes the other parties involved feel belittled and unimportant, obviously, having you break the Second Greatest Commandment. So always try to maintain direct, respectful, and prompt communication. This is very important in relationships, because if you avoid talking because you dislike confrontations, then you only pile up stress, anxiety, and likely sins, too, in other places because a conflict is not being solved and allowed to continue to create more problems.
And do not assume too much in discussions and arguments. The reasons why someone is angry or hurt may be completely invisible to you or you may be completely wrong about why there’s a problem, so think about why things are, but do not assume you’re correct. Seek wise third-party advice and consider things. Always seek to get direct answers from the person you’re dealing with. This will not just let you be better informed about how to deal with a problem, but can also help the relationship when you communicate more and understand each other correctly. A wise person will hear [listen] and increase in learning, and a person of understanding will acquire wise counsel (Proverbs/Mishlei 1:5).
Often times, we cannot have things exactly how we want, so good relationships also depend on your ability to compromise and work out fair solutions to disputes. Inability to compromise sets you up to be bossy, entitled, and arrogant, while it makes the other person feel belittled or useless, like their opinion has no value. There are few instances where only one person’s opinion has all the power in a relationship. Being a power monger or authoritarian sets you up for failures and dissatisfaction because you eliminate good or better options that would work better. There’s also the satisfaction of a successful team effort that is missed when you are only set on your own ideas.
- Take the “high road” which embodies making peace, benevolence (goodwill, kindness, and mercy), and forgiveness; Do not plot or take revenge – Commands of God are to be peaceable with everyone to the best of your ability (Romans 12:18; 1 Corinthians 10:32-33; Hebrews 12:14-17; Galatians 6:10; 1 Peter 2:13-20, 3:8-12; 2 Timothy 2:24-26; Mark 9:50), Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:21), Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who are abusive to you (Luke 6:27-28), Do not take revenge; Let none of you devise evil in your heart against another (Zechariah/Zecharya 8:17). All of these commands go with the Second Greatest Commandment to love one another.
And forgiving others is not only a godly example given by Christ, but also good for your own wellbeing and your family’s because keeping unforgiveness for others is a sin and a reason why God does not grant you forgiveness - "If you do not forgive others their sins, Your [Heavenly] Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:15; see Balancing the Truth and Prayer for what that means).
- Seek maturity; Do not “lord over” others, insist on automatic entitlement, or act in spite – Immaturity and handling disputes or roles of authority in immature, angry, or spiteful ways is a big breaker of relationships and spreader of sins, whether they are in the home or at work (for more about proper husband wife relationships, see Family Order in Sex and Marriage). Attitudes of inappropriate entitlement or special privilege when none is warranted is another bad trait that has crept upwards in recent decades. It seems to have increased in the Millennial, Gen Z, and more recent generations because parenting practices have too heavily gone to spoiling children and eliminating properly severe punishments, such as spanking.
It is not unloving or hateful to give properly painful discipline. The proverb, Spare the rod and spoil the child, comes from the Bible, which actually says, The one who withholds his rod [for discipline] hates [his child], but the one who loves [his child] disciplines him diligently (Proverbs/Mishlei 13:24). Why is withholding corporal punishment or sufficiently painful, but not abusive, punishment actually an act of hate for your children?
A clue is given by the wisest of all men, King Solomon (1 Kings/Melachim I 3:12, 4:31), when he said, “Because the sentence for an evil deed is not executed quickly, therefore the hearts of mankind are fully set on doing evil” (Ecclesiastes/Kohelet 8:11).
If you do not give sufficient and obvious punishment for bad behavior, there is insufficient reason for the person to change them, and because most bad behavior is sin that God must judge, letting our children off easy leads them into lives full of sin which will ALWAYS hurt them. That’s why God says, you hate your child if you do not punish him with the rod, which symbolizes sufficient punishment and not necessarily physical punishment like spanking, though I advocate spanking as long as it is age appropriate (for children 10 years old or younger) and is not excessive or abusive. It simply has to be painful enough so that the child thinks twice about doing wrong again.
In this day of over coddling and excessive positive reinforcement without anything negative, parents, teachers, and caregivers have gone to spoiling children just like the old proverb says. But what most people don’t understand is that it actually gives hate, not love, to your child if you do not properly discipline them. It gives them a bad sense of entitlement and no sense of accountability. They end up thinking they should get their way, given favor, or coddled treatment everywhere in life, even at work when there is really no privilege for giving personal pursuits any priority, such as allowing personal or recreational use of company assets, like Internet browsing and email. An employer pays you to do your work in a reasonable and responsible manner. That usually requires all your attention to be on the job, so whatever you do, do your work heartily as for the Lord and not for people; with sincerity of heart, fearing God, and not because you are watched or to ingratiate yourself as a people-pleaser (Colossians 3:23, 3:22).
And on the other side, for those in authority over others as supervisors, managers, and bosses, as well as husbands, parents, and caregivers, it is not good to use egotistic, abusive command (lording) over others. In most everyday situations, this, too, is immaturity, bad entitlement, arrogance, and breaks the Second Greatest Commandment to love each other.
The only times when lording over people is appropriate is in intensive training where great discipline (not punishment but self-control and moral character) needs to be learned, such as in military training and sports, but even then, training should not be abusive, though depending on what the training is for, it can be difficult to know what is proper for training and what is abusive.
Some might argue for the same kind of military “lording” should be done in the household and public, as well, so that the people and children, especially, respect authority and are orderly. However, in everyday situations, being excessively rigid and forceful on people easily backfires. When people don’t like being chained up, so to speak, they will often rebel and find ways to be disobedient in secret. Lording over people breeds contempt, not respect, when rigid standards of conduct are not warranted. So it is a teaching of God that those in authority should not like overlords, domineering over those given to their care (1 Peter 5:3).
And in the household, inappropriate and abusive lording over people, such as husbands over wives, parents over children, or siblings over siblings, can have the one who lords over come under sin (like breaking the Second Greatest Commandment), which can bring all kinds of bad things upon the whole household (see Why bad things happen - The biggest reason the world lives in so many troubles for more about why a whole family or house can suffer for one person’s sins). One of those bad consequences is that God will not listen to prayers. This is why the New Testament says husbands need to honor their wives so their prayers will not be hindered (1 Peter 3:7). Sin is a common reason why God will not listen to prayers. That goes for everyone, not just abusive husbands, so it is in everyone’s best interest to be conscious of what sins are, like acting in these bad personality traits, and get rid of them.
- Eliminate lust and greed; Remove carnal and sexual sins from you and your house – Lust, greed, and sexual sins are not listed explicitly in the lists of bad character traits here, but they are linked to many of them, such as cheating, unfaithfulness, manipulative, self-centered, superficial, nonempathic, arrogance, dishonest, and gold digger. Furthermore, sexual sins are one of the biggest reasons relationships fail and why other serious problems hit you and your household (see Practical Romance Matters for more).
Lust and excessive pursuit of social connections (social butterfly) are big red flags to people that you are unfit for commitment. It’s obvious that someone who focuses too much on sexual satisfaction or values connecting with others more than their lover will likely be unfaithful, but moreover, lust and sexual sins multiply other sins when objects of sexual attraction are pursued at the expense of loyalty, trust, and honesty. Even porn use can bring much more harm than the gratification it gives. For more about the effects of sexual sins, see Practical Romance Matters and Practical Sex Matters for details.
And greed, not just sex related, but general greed or unhealthy obsession and pursuit of anything is a sin in itself that is categorized as idolatry or worshipping anything other than God (Colossians 3:5). In the section about maturity and lording over people, I talked about excessive control over people, and in the workplace, the sin of greed makes many employers, company owners, managers, and supervisors enact unreasonable work policies, such as expecting people to do work or check work email during off hours or be on-call 24-7, even though their job does not require constant vigilance.
I've seen some famous company owners frown upon the idea that employees should NOT be entitled to be free of work responsibilities when they are not on the clock. Their reason is that it's the highest priority to keep a business running, presumably 24-7, 365 days a year. However, God does not think so. He continues to command rest for the weekly sabbath, and has guided me directly that prioritizing profits over the wellbeing of employees is a sin (see the meaning of 43 here). Obviously, greed, arrogance, selfishness, inconsideration, and entitlement are problems here, not to mention breaking the Second Greatest Commandment when you hurt employee health and wellbeing, so if you're a company owner, manager, or supervisor, be reasonable about requiring workers to work off hours and how much work they do on the clock.
Most businesses have no need to make people work 24 hours a day or 7 days a week, and most projects do not need to be done next day. The constant rush for everything done now at the expense of physical and mental health will negatively hit businesses and the people in them because of the sins involved. I understand that many businesses need to keep up 24/7 operations, but work policies and business practices need to provide for sufficient privacy and disconnect from work when someone is not working. More than one employee should be covering critical operations or automation needs to be considered. It is not reasonable to expect people to be on alert and on-call for you at all hours. If you expect that of employees, then be explicit about their job responsibilities and pay them accordingly.
However, I'd advise to restructure business operations to give all employees proper off-hours completely away from any job responsibilities, because as I said, God guided me on corporate greed and abusing workers for profit. They are sins, like any other, except when you have your businesses operate in sin, all, you, your household, and businesses will take hits from God's judgment. It's for no trivial, accidental reasons that many large corporations have suffered much loss because of their profit mongering and poor business practices that take advantage of people.
Everything I talked about here pertains to character traits that are bad for relationships as well as the welfare of those who have them and their loved ones, because nearly all of them are destructive since committing sin goes with them. The only exceptions are being Annoying, Whiny, Ignorant, and Inconsistent, which are behaviors that can vary widely and may not always be sin related, though being Inconsistent is related to being Unreliable which is definitely bad.
Ignorance or being unknowledgeable is not sinful in itself, but in this context, it goes with being Close-Minded, Arrogant, Condescending, Racist, Nonemphathic, and The Jerk. It is a bad, close-minded ignorance that hurts people.
And being Annoying, Whiny, or Complaining is subjective since some people are annoyed more easily by some things than others. However, the kind of traits being discussed here are the unreasonable, pestering sort of Annoying, Whiny, and Complaining. Excitable people with unreasonable standards and low self-control have these traits. But they are also common in children who haven't learned self-control and that quiet, idle time without toys, gadgets, videos, and other distractions is good and should be expected in life. We should be teaching our children (and everyone) to enjoy quiet and natural surroundings, and in fact, serene, green, and pleasant nature has been found to be healing and regenerative for many people. The annoying and whiny traits here relate to adult behavior that is excessively pestering, which does ruin relationships, so if you see those traits in yourself, make sure to learn more patience and self-control, adjust standards because people and the world will never be perfect, and remember that many people need alone time even from their lovers.
I also said that mental health issues, like
depression can cause these bad traits, so to combat them, seek to
understand why you're not happy and change your situation. Sometimes
it's obvious, like an abusive relationship or being disabled. But other
times, a cause is not obvious, which suggests there is sin in your life
that has caused a curse of depression or mental health issue.
Psychologists and therapists will suggest medical and psychiatric
treatments, which unfortunately can harm people further because of drug
effects and most healthcare professionals do not focus on or know enough
about the spiritual side of things to remedy the actual root causes of
chronic depression and other serious mental health problems. These can
be very difficult afflictions to remedy because most of them are God's
judgment for sins, so removing them quickly may not be possible.
However, understanding them correctly with spiritual eyes and coming to
God with repentance and regret to remove the sins that caused these
things does help a lot to petition God for healing. Please seek my
counsel for further help on such matters.
Dealing with depression and mental health issues
If a chronic condition can only be managed, though, I suggest music and singing, especially hymns, “speaking
to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and
making melody with [our] hearts to the Lord; and always giving thanks
for all things in the name of our Lord Yeshua Mashiach [Jesus Christ] to our God and Father” (Ephesians 5:19; Colossians 3:16),
because music does help people heal, both physically and mentally, and
improves mood. The Apostle Paul and his associate, Silas, sung hymns in
praise to God when they were beaten and put in prison (Acts 16:22-25), and so it has often been my recommendation to sing and use music when we are downtrodden.
I
also recommend doing enjoyable, creative things. You don't need to be a
creative person or artist to benefit from this because just the acts of
doodling and making things improves mood. They activate areas of the
brain that involve free-play that for most people is beneficial and
enjoyable, so find creative outlets. They don't need to have any
specific direction or purpose other than to have fun, so it should not
be hard to find activities. Even playing easy to play video games will help
with this, though I suggest non-adult themed games (rated for 13 years
old or younger) that do not have addiction problems, which are obviously
not good for people who have bad self-control.
It's good for mental health to do things you enjoy, like
hobbies, and connect with people and your children to participate with,
such as gardening, pets, art, sports, exercise, cooking, baking, board games, cards,
local exploration, hikes, etc. Online connections can help as well, but
I've always known an online-only life and relationships to be only half a
life. There is much more healing and benefit from having physical
interaction with people that we do need. Our minds and bodies were
designed and wired for it, so try to have real people in your life
(cuddly, interactive pets can help too, such as cats and dogs).
My last
recommendation is to always make your bed after you wake, wash up, and dress, as well as keep your living spaces clean. I know these things are very hard for people in depression and for the naturally messy and lazy person, but having a clean, tidy bed and living spaces does help mood. If you're always looking at a big cluttered mess, piles of grimy dishes, and a bed that does not look inviting and comfortable or worse they all
smell bad, the sensory cues bleed into your mind as well, making you
feel like part of the stinky mess.
So turn on the clean up after yourself switch and make it a habit keep a clean environment - wash your dishes at least in the evening after dinner or after meals, wipe up the kitchen and bathroom counters and sinks, and pick up the floors when there's debris. I can't recall if I already made my bed every morning when I heard a general talk about its importance some years ago. I can't find his name at the moment, but it was a speech to his troops shared somewhere and pointed out that even though our day may be full of hardships and failures there is a comfort to come back to sleep in a clean tidy bed.
Can any bad personality traits be used for good?
A Life Coach asked me whether or not any of these personality traits could be harnessed for good, such as to set boundaries and for resilience against adversity. I said, no, because in the context I'm speaking about - behavior that impacts people and relationships negatively - none of the traits are good to harness because most deal with deceit & treating people badly. I'd never suggest doing that on a regular basis. The discussion here is about trying to maintain good relationships, keeping people in your life, and improving them and yourself. I'm not talking about trying to remove people from your life, which where boundary setting and resilience factors come in.
For the specific task of removing negative people to help resilience in adversity or set boundaries, then some traits that could help are Manipulative, Dishonest, and Selfishness/Self-Centered, Inconsiderate, Rude, and Nonemphatic. When I talked about anger and slowing down, I mentioned that sometimes you need to forcefully rebuke people, and in the case of trying to get rid of people you need to get away from then yes, you could use some bad traits.
However, I do not suggest that as the first option because they do often involve problems with committing more sin, which needs to be avoided to keep more problems coming upon you and your loved ones. Being clever with manipulation or lying can help get rid of people or situations you don't want to deal with, and sometimes it is necessary to be deceitful or rudely blunt because of the character of the person you're dealing with. Some people simply cannot be reasoned with, so telling a lie to avoid confrontation or being flat inconsiderate may be necessary, such as in dealing with a stalker or hostile ex. Using a negative trait in that way is reasonable, but most of the time you don't want to harness bad traits because of what I talked about. Always try to keep from sinning.
I hope everything I talked about here made sense and helps you and those you care about into further peace and good, blessed relations. May it be in the name of Mashiach Yeshua. Amen.
References
[1.1] Joe Mazan. "Dublin ‘The Paralyzed Pup’ inspiring many as he trains to become a therapy dog". KSTP Channel 5 News. 2025 Jan. 14. Retrieved 2025 Jan. 15.
<https://kstp.com/kstp-news/top-news/dublin-the-paralyzed-pup-inspiring-many-as-he-trains-to-become-a-therapy-dog>
[1.2] Ainsley Hawthorn. "Illegal to be ’ugly’? The history behind one of America‘s cruelest laws". National Geographic. 2024 Aug. 9. Retrieved 2025 Jan. 15.
<https://www.nationalgeographic.com/history/article/history-of-ugly-laws-america-disability>
[1.3] Rachel Green. "The Worst Qualities in a Woman". Ranker. 2024 Aug. 17. Retrieved 2025 Jan. 15.
<https://www.ranker.com/list/worst-qualities-in-a-woman/rachel-green>
[1.4] Rachel Green. "The Worst Qualities in a Man". Ranker. 2025 Jan. 15. Retrieved 2025 Jan. 15.
<https://www.ranker.com/list/worst-qualities-in-a-woman/rachel-green>
[1.5] Matthew Kelly. "The 7 WORST Qualities in a Woman". Kakadu LLC. 2022 Jan. 14. Retrieved 2025 Jan. 15.
<https://www.matthewkelly.com/post/the-7-worst-qualities-in-a-woman>
[1.6] Tina Fey. "8 unique habits of low quality men, according to psychology". Blog Herald. 2025 Jan. 11. Retrieved 2025 Jan. 15.
<https://blogherald.com/self-development/8-unique-habits-of-low-quality-men-according-to-psychology>
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